Everyone can feel shame - for example, being told not to stick your fingers in a plug socket can be done in a way that causes a brief piece of shame, but it is done to keep you safe.
But shame about our sexuality is about a key part of who we are. This is not something we feel for a moment. This is shame that is prolonged over many years.
We often feel it everywhere we go without a break: at home, at School, with Friends, at Work, and even while walking the streets.
Growing up, I felt this way with my family - I must be careful about how I act. And then, at school, I must be careful so as not to be bullied. And when watching TV and reading the newspapers, I would also hear and read about gays being wrong in some way.
When someone is subjected to such profound, prolonged shame as they are growing up, it dramatically impacts their confidence.
But it also goes a layer deeper. When someone is subjected to such prolonged shame, the impact of that is potentially to be abandoned by their family and community.
So, as Gay men, we try and find ways to fit in.
We do this so we will not be cut off and abandoned, and we do this to try to alleviate and break away from this prolonged feeling of shame.
We find a way to fit in. To survive as a gay man.
So when we find a way to fit in, we focus on that.
For me, it was learning that people always need help with computers, and if I could be helpful with that, I could be more accepted by people. I still remember the experience of feeling needed and wanted because people needed my help.
Of course, when people no longer needed my help, everything returned to normal, so I needed to find another way.
Another tactic I used was trying to be as perfect as possible so that I would be left alone. Looking back, it was futile to try to be perfect as this is impossible, but over 20 years later, I still struggle to be perfect, punishing myself when I fail in some way.
Often, what we have found is false validation—a way to fit in and allow us to belong—something that allows us to survive and even succeed, but one that does not bring true joy.
Reading this might create some tension within you. What you might be good at, what allows you to fit in, might not be what you truly need.
That is also why, for some of us, if we go onto the scene and feel like we do not belong, it can be devastating, as the one place we hoped to belong does not work for us, creating more shame about ourselves and often anger at the gay scene.
Check the next article to determine whether you might survive or start from this series's first article.