Face your blockers and shadows
As gay men, if we start exploring who we are, our confidence grows, and we can also find our blockers. The undiscovered country inside is being found, but we also find mountain passes have collapsed and lakes and oceans cannot cross to the lands on the other side.
This blocker can be something that limits us. For example, beliefs such as:
I do not deserve to be happy
I do not belong anywhere
There is something wrong with me
I deserve to be hurt and alone
I must be harsh on myself
I must be perfect
We can limit ourselves in many ways, and as we go through this process, we can struggle.
Transform our gay shadows
We need to reframe and transform these.
We often also need to look at what we put into the shadows—the joys we repressed, the parts of ourselves that should come back out.
For example, a person can move from perfection to embracing and celebrating failure so they can learn new things and grow in new and unexpected directions. A person moving from shame about themselves can transform this shame into pride and confidence in who they are.
Often, we are unaware of our blockers, including any latent shame we might have for who we are. But when we start exploring ourselves, we also find the parts of ourselves that are in shadow.
This can be scary. I recently found a shadow part of me in complete despair, and accepting this and feeling it was scary. It was something I had not wanted to even admit to myself. But by allowing myself to feel this, I could then start to heal and move to a more hopeful place.
I have also done this in the past when I’ve had a lot of anger and hurt from what happened to me when I was younger. By going back and allowing my adult self to heal, I find myself being a far more compassionate person with myself. It has helped me to improve and grow my nurturer.
But often, most of our shadows come from when we were young. What they need is love and support, and they will then transform into our gold again.
This is why our inner nurture can be so crucial in giving love to these shadow parts of ourselves, even if they are scary and say bad things about ourselves when we find them.
We can transform them into gold by exploring and finding this and using our nurturing voice.
In doing so, you embrace your true self, shedding layers of others' expectations. It's your time — live boldly, authentically, without camouflage. Your story, your rules.
Check out the final article in this series about finding the right tribe for you. Or start with the first article.